The Fear Wont Fall

Hurt

my heart aches

each time i recall that i am afraid..

i wanna fall in love again

but damn too scared to not be loved in return

its the most awful thing

im starting to like this guy

but im afraid 

that love will ruin 

this wonderful bond

with him

i don't wanna loose a friend

for a feeling that isn't going to be reciprocate

It hurts to listen

to the girl next room to me

she's so happy

i envied her

she called her's 'Darling'

and who am i to denounce it

its her right

she has all the rightful rights upon her

now that she's married

and her's 'Darling'

is her husband

i pity myself

for ever having to think

about those hurtful joy

i once had

that same notion

the same endearing words

i called him with

that i don't have the guts to ever say it again

even whispering to a thin air

oh yes i cried

closing my eyes

and calling my God's name

asking Him to help me

get through this lonesome night

asking Him to hold me tight

somewhat way somehow

please, i said

help me God, please i beg

fulfill my wishes

help me ease the pain

and then i cried and cried

some moment i can even hear me

getting louder

my heart felt like it can jump out

bcuz im at the verge to scream and shout

and then i think to myself

be calm, be steady

the wishes will be granted

just wait and see

believe

trust

that all my wish will come true

and i say my prayer

it helps to calm the boiling sorrow

the bursting tears

and the shivers down my spine and blood

then came this sudden urge

a sign from God

that i should write

bcuz its the way i could spit out the venom

inside my heart

so i can stand on my feet

without feeling the ground shakes 

or that im loosing my mind

just so i can keep my sanity

-Estella the Wondrous-

Divine Despair (Dive in Despair)

Eyes closed,
Drawing me to the hurtful joy
Excavating deep buried soul
I once was
and you once had,

Goosebump,
The flashes and fantasy
Raw and Agility
Sudden staring at the ceiling
Widen as never been

Pondering on the fate resign
The familiar agitating longing
baring similitude of Dante's "La Vita Nuova".

Once again, the mere contemplation
To brace the hand of oblivion
To dive in the Drink of  Despair
And watch if the light gets Greener
If he'll ever be the Key Master

If roses filled the empty land
Conquered! but to learn
it was fooled with Confederate rose

The soul once known
was estranged at once
Where the diver gets deeper
The despair gets heavier

When the next dawn arrived
Turned a face passed by
Sudden loath
Insignificant, invisible, unexist

like a puny little insect
on an estranged land
like a lost girl
filling tears in the ocean of despair.

-Estella the Wondrous-

My Dream House

My dream house is a wonder house
On a hill where the grass is greener
On the Land of Clover
surrounded with colourful flowers; Calla, Bluebell, Roses, Rosemary, and Daisy.

Each morning awakes with sweet fragrance
Begins our day with the bird hum and hymn
The wind blows softly and moves the chime
The warm and cosy sun gushes through the window

The house is painted white
Walls half covered with vines
Bright yellow door to the nines
The two wooden chairs and a round table outside

where we eat pancakes and have tea
to sit and watch our kids run free
but what makes the house a wonder
cause its made of Love, Trust, Kindness and Tender.

-Estella the Wondrous-
(All Right Reserved)

False Awakening

There were times when i
just wanna lied
and starred at the ceiling
Remembering all the things
we've been through
All things about you
Then my heart's crushed
My vein ached 
My muscle cramped
My lungs stop breathing
My tears fell
If they were tears of joy
They wouldn't felt so hard
Its hard to get up
Cuz when I'm sane is losing sanity
I woke up just to realize
that I'm falling apart
Keep reminding me of that hurtful joy
The moment i once
thought was mine
Now it seems that all i had

was one big joke
The one you pulled and make 
me choked.

-Estella the Wondrous-